FUNNY PAGES | ‘If You Like Puppies, You’re Not Gonna Like Kristi Noem’
Comedians find the humor in governor's horrific animal killings
Editor’s Note: “The Funny Pages” is our occasional look at the intersection of late-night TV comedians and the politics and issues of our day.
Sometimes the humor of a given situation is obvious.
But sometimes the real skill of a great comedian is finding the funny where you would never expect to find any.
Such was the case Monday when the late-night TV hosts all roasted South Dakota Gov Kristi Noem’s repulsive murders of her animals for laughs.
The Republican readily admits to shooting and killing her young puppy, Cricket, as well as a family goat. She included the repugnant anecdote in her forthcoming book.
Noem has long been rumored to be atop Donald Trump’s shortlist of potential running mates this year, which made her spree of critter killings national news all weekend.
“Noem revealed something, uh, fascinating in her soon-to-be-released memoir. And warning: if you like puppies, you’re not gonna like Kristi Noem. Because in her new book, Noem admitted to killing her dog. Now, I know that sounds terrible,” CBS funnyman Stephen Colbert began, to audience boos.
“Look, I know it sounds terrible. But it’s much worse. ’Cause this wasn’t some rabid 90-pound hellhound on a meth bender. It was a 14-month-old wirehaired pointer named Cricket. Yes, a puppy named Cricket. Reminds me of Stephen King’s first draft of Cujo, Snuggles,” Colbert cracked. “And it is worth pointing out: no one made Noem confess to puppy-snuffing. She volunteered this information, even saying, ‘I guess if I were a better politician, I wouldn’t tell the story here.’ Oh, I don’t know. I remember William Henry Harrison’s famed slogan, ‘Tippecanoe and I beat a raccoon to death with my bare hands.’
“So, why, why did Cricket need to kick it? According to Noem, the problem was that Cricket was ‘untrainable.’ Well, yeah. She was 14 months old! I can only imagine Kristi Noem with the dog trainer. ‘Uh, so, Governor, we’ve evaluated Cricket, and I think we should...’ ‘Kill her?’ ‘No, I was thinking a special collar...’ ‘That would kill her slowly?’
“Here’s what happened. According to Noem, again, in a story no one asked her to tell us, she claims that she brought Cricket on a pheasant hunt, but Cricket ruined the hunt, ‘Going out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life.’ But who among us hasn’t seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought, ‘You deserve to die?’”
Colbert certainly wasn’t the only TV comic to offer his take.
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel did likewise.
“By her own accounts, she dragged Cricket to a gravel pit and shot the dog. ‘It was not a pleasant job,’ she wrote, ‘but it had to be done.’ No, it didn’t. But she also says she shot the family goat in the gravel pit. And then I guess somebody realized this wasn’t a great story to share with the world, so she posted, ‘We love animals, but tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm. Sadly, we just had to put down three horses a few weeks ago that had been in our family 25 years,’” Kimmel said. “Just to recap, for those who were horrified that she shot a puppy and a goat, she would like you to know she also shoots horses. Who would write this?
“Now this is a great example of how stupid these people are. This woman, not only does she want to be vice president, she is the governor of South Dakota. I don’t know how big her staff is, but I’m guessing she has at least a dozen people working for her, probably a lot more,” Kimmel said. “Not one of those dozen or dozens of people raised a hand and said, ‘Uh, Governor, do you think maybe not a great idea to share that story about shooting a whole petting zoo at your house? Maybe we save shooting a puppy in a gravel pit for the next book, you know?’
“This is a crazy person. I have to say, I’m afraid of what she might do when she finds out how many chickens her favorite president has killed,” he quipped, referring to Trump’s known love for consuming large quantities of fried chicken.
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